Beauty ravaged by addictions and happy hour again. And again. And again

But running through the primary artery, the thing that ultimately accelerated their world and then took them down, was speed. Amphetamine magnified their paranoia, robbed some of their innate powers, drained their confidence, and ravaged their beauty.

– Patti Smith, Just Kids

And it was the same for me with prescription dextroamphetamines, Ritalin and Adderall for 12 years, to treat the manic depression I was diagnosed with at age 22. Those pills ultimately drained me of life. Wasted years. Lost time.

I am in recovery now, 59 days of freedom. Clean and sober since August 23, 2017. Attending outpatient drug and alcohol rehab for almost two months. One day at a time.

Sometimes an hour at a time.

Boarded a train to take my memories back/make up for time that I have lost/I’ll never know if I’m delusional/I just believe that I am not

Gonna work for my sanity/give it everything I’ve got/though so far I have cheated death/I know someday I’ll get caught/just living

– Time Forgot, Conor Oberst

What helped me the most in my recovery was finally getting honest with myself. Believing I was an addict who just can’t have a couple drinks or just smoke one joint. Or take pills as prescribed. Because I can’t stop. I have a problem with saying no, with saying no more. I have an illness that is not easily treated if you don’t believe that you have one.

I was also honest with my psychiatrist after a dozen years of him treating me and prescribing me meds. I admitted that not only would I take more of the addictive pills than prescribed, I would often crush them up and snort them. My psych no longer prescribes me any addictive meds and my moods have been fairly stable on daily doses of lithium and neurontin.

I relapsed earlier this year on crystal meth and for awhile thought I could convince my doc to begin prescribing me Adderall again. It was better than meth! I’d save money! I would tell him. But I got smart and realized that taking addictive pills were just as bad because I don’t know how to stop with anything addictive. Even oreos. After nearly totaling my car (again), time in jail, and a psych ward stint (again). enough was enough was enough.

My innate powers as a father, my confidence and beauty in life would continue to be drained and ravaged with any addictive substance. Thankfully I saw that bleak future and the insight prevailed.

Clean and sober 59 days now. I have cheated death numerous times. I truly believe I have run out of chances. I really don’t want to find out the hard way. I am grateful for this day, and happy and confident again.

I have worked so hard to get here. No turning back this time.

She was available, because I’m no holiday

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The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything

When you forget to implement a recovery tool or allow yourself to get stressed: “The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.” – Bishop W.C. Magee An old Latin proverb says: “Errare humanum est,” which means that making errors is a part of human nature. However, a crucial part is actually the […]

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Not ready to add it up yet

Life is a sum of all your choices – Albert Camus And that damn Violent Femmes song keeps playing in my head…

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Shakespearean sunrises

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Two lives

“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us.” — Steven Pressfield The truth is, we don’t have that much time. And the way to make the most of it is by doing two things. First, we need to be as present as possible. Every moment can provide us with […]

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Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get – W.P. Kinsella

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